Migraines

I question at times, the inperfections of the human body.  Often people ask me if I could change one thing about me what would it be?  My usual response is that I like the way I am. Today I have come upon a true answer.

Ever since I was in second grade I have been plagued by miragines.  I say plagued because that is what they are.  A plague upon my mind. I suffer week in and week out from intense pain that sometimes has no cure.  I get about 1-3 a week.  Often the cure is worse than the pain.  I restrict my diet to avoide certain chemicals and food products.  At the same time I increase my protein, iron, and water. I avoide strong smells, intense lights, and flashing lights.  I monitor the weather.  Any strange combination can trigger a migraine.  Most times I have no idea how I trigger them.

I can often catch them before they become to serious.  I often get dizzy, light headed, see auras, get tunnel vison, and nauseous.  My sense become so hightened  I can smell even the tiniest sent change in a room,  feel someone walking down a hallway, the smallest amount of light throws me into a nauseous fit, and feel I the smallest temperature change in the room.

As you can imagine they are very terrible.  Yet many times I hate to complain of the pain.  Only one time do I remember using a migraine as an excuse to not do something.  It was to get away from someone I had no care for.  I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than to have spent the day with that particular person. To this day I do not regret my actions.  If I ever complaine of a migraine, rest assured it hurts, a lot.  I pride myself on with standing the pain. 

In the end I would give almost anything to be rid of my migraines.

Death

That enigma of an ending to all living things.  The thing most fear more than anything.  How we all treat death defines or existance.

This morning I was awakened by my step sister's frantic pleas for help.  My step mom's dog was dying and she didn't know what to do.  As a clawed through the blankets to help her.  I promptly fell out of bed.  I went up stairs to find Jocelyn in tears as she sat and watched Baylee struggle to stand.  I went over to assist the poor creature and yelled for Jocelyn to find me a towel as poor Baylee was bleeding out of his mouth.  Jocelyn was to terrified to pick him up.  I went over calmly and picked Baylee up and wiped the blood from his face.  Jocelyn has never been faced with death and didn't know how to react to the situation.  She was terrified of holding him encase he died in her arms.  I sat there holding the dog with my sister in tears until Paige could come home.  They then took him to the vet.  Baylee will be put to sleep rather than suffer in the last minutes of his life. 

I do not have the attachment to Baylee that they do and so I can look on impassively as their best friend dies after a life filled with love.  I fell sympathy that he had to suffer as much as he did.  I also feel empathy for my family as their treasured friend leaves them behind.

Nightmares

So last night early this morning say around 2 am I had a series of nightmares.  I was absolutely terrified when I woke up for the third time around 6:30 am.  I then decided not to sleep for the rest of the night.  And know I am slightly afraid of going to bed.  I really don't want more nightmares.  I was like 12 when I had my last one.  These ones are due in part to a book that I have been reading.  In my dream I was being hunted down by zombies.  I know right, why zombies?  Well they were in the book.  I could even smell them in my dream.  Very disturbing.  I shall be sleeping with the lights on in my room tonight.

Family

I am truly, truly grateful for my family and the amazingly wonderful people that they are.  I have been having the hardest time with my father and him accepting the way I lead my life.  After much stress and nights thinking and days spent in quite contemplation I finally just had to accept what was.  Today I went to visit my grandparents, while I was there my aunt came by as well.  While sometimes we don't always get along it was nice to talk to her and hear from her and my grandparents the acceptance I had been waiting for.  They knew the insanity that leads my father and helped me to see past the bad in my father and to tell me that I am doing a good job and to not worry so over my life.  They helped me talk through and decide upon some of the actions that I will be having to make.  It was nice to hear from them some of the same things I had been thinking about in my own life.  It is also good to know they have my back against a slightly stressful father.  In general it was nice to talk to some one who know and is not directly involved with my life.  Someone to list and to not judge, who loves me, and yet understands and be objective in talking to me.  Not directly invested in my life course.  Thanks to all my crazy wonderful family members that make up my crazy beautiful wonderful life.