Death Part 2

This has been a rough year for deaths.  First with Baylee my step-mom's dog, then last week our dog Calie, and lastly with my grandfather.

Our dog Calie was hit by a car.  She had several broken bones and would not survive in her condition.  So we had her put down.  I am glad I was not there to be apart of that.  I loved Calie a lot and it would have been hard seeing her in that condition.  I feel bad for my little sister being there.  Calie was a member of our family and she will be dearly missed.

I learned last Saturday that my grandfather had been taken to the hospital.  He had shot himself.  Not the best way to go out. He used a .22 and it not being very powerful, left a mess.  The neighbor found him and called the family and 911.  Not the best way to go, but so him.  He has always been a little insane.  I don't feel bad for him going the way he did.  It was probably harder living on each day.  At 91 with his wife gone it is a hard life.

No Good Very Bad Weekend

Ok so awhile ago I had a no good very bad day.  Now it's a weekend.  It all started on the 11th.  I woke up to the sound of water dripping in my room.  At first I thought maybe I had tipped over a glass of water in the night.  But then I remembered I hadn't brought any water into my room.  I turn over finding my pillow wet.  Ok now I'm worried. I look out my window and there are several inches of water sitting in my window well!  Seeping through the cracks and onto my bed and ground.  I yell for my sister to get my dad.  I get out of bed to find the ground very wet.

Someone, cough parents cough, had left the garden hose on all night.  With the shear amount of water we have received, due to the constant rain, the ground couldn't handle the extra water.  So my room got very wet.

We then spent the rest of the day taking everything out of my room, and I do mean everything.  It was not a very pleasant day.  My closet had to be emptied too.  My things were boxed and distributed into three separate rooms.  They were not boxed by me which means I had no idea where my things ended up.  Luckily very little of my stuff got truly wet.  Most of it was in boxes or on book shelves.

My dad then went on a rampage deciding I don't really need all of my things and that I needed to reduce my stuff to about 10 boxes tops.  Yeah right like that was going to happen. I have spent the better part of the week sleeping on the couch, going through my stuff,  re-boxing most of it and getting rid of a good third of my belongings.  I made it to about 15 boxes.  Most of that went to my mom's because I feared for it's safety at my dad's place.

Well the Sunday after we emptied my room I got up early and went to mission prep.  Take into mind church isn't till 1 pm so I'm not normally up.  Mission prep is at 7:30 am.  I went had a good time came home.  Got back into my pj's and thought about going back to sleep seeing as it was only 9.  My dad then comes down telling my that Nik was at the door.  Now I'm thinking, what!.  Who comes over when they know I'm not normally up for another 3 hours.  If he had come later my parents would have been gone and I would be back asleep. But no he showed up with no warning after the worst day ever.  I told my dad not to leave me alone.  I then talked to him outside.  I was kind of angry with him.  I know that I didn't end things the way I should have.  But I felt it was necessary.  I have chose a different path and he is not a part of it.

Well after he left I then had a talk with my dad.  In which I proceed to cry for an hour or so.  When dad left for church I continued to cry and had a very large bowl of chocolate ice cream.   Jocelyn and I decided to not go to church because I really wasn't up to talking to other people without crying.  We took a very long drive and for that I am grateful.  It really helped.  I slept to and that was good.  I then went to my aunt's and got another dose of healing from my little cousin who let me hold her and give her hugs.  She gave them in return as well.

My brother also called later in the afternoon.  He's in Alaska and it helped a lot to talk to him and his wife and to hear about what they have been doing for the last month.

After the very long day Jocelyn and I watched a chick flick and I ate a box of Oreos all on my own.

It has been a very trying week.

Manchester

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND!!!!  That's where I'm going.  I leave Sept 15th direct to the England MTC.  I report on the 16th.  That means all day on the plane.  Sigh, that's a long time.  I'm super excited!

Mission, Mission, Mission

I get my call this Wednesday and I am super excited!  I can't wait to find out where I am going.  I'm sad to leave behind all my friends and family.  Excited to learn and to preach of the Lord.

More to come when I actually get my call.

Life As We Know It

The world is full of constant change.  Much like the wind.  Never in the same place twice, different strengths, different smells, different temperatures.  In much the same way our life is never the same.  We must grab life by the horns and hold on for all we are worth.  It is hard to face life sometimes.  Believe me I do know.  My life is hard and challenging like no other.  I feel at times like an ostrich, with the urge to bury my head in the sand and hide from the world.  Other times I feel like yelling in rage at what the world has thrown my way.  I wish for an easy life.  Even though I will know that wont happen.  I still wish for it.  I hate it at times, the uncertainty of the future.  I was reading in my book and this passage struck me. 

"Travel is the great leveler, the great teacher, bitter as medicine, crueler than mirror-glass.  A long stretch of road will teach you more about yourself than a hundred years of quite introspection." 

I feel like my life experience have greatly effected the person I am today.  For all of the trials and hardships in my life I wouldn't give up one of them, because they have made me the person I am today.  I regret none of my actions nor my decisions.  I stand by who I am and the way I am.  I can be stubborn and obstinate, caring, understanding, and cruel.  Most of the time I am one emotion, happy.

I have made many changes to my life.  Some of them are hard and needed while others will be good for me and provide a valuable learning and growing experience for me.  Once again I do not regret what I have done.  I only wish to look forward at the future that is awaiting me. 

Migraines

I question at times, the inperfections of the human body.  Often people ask me if I could change one thing about me what would it be?  My usual response is that I like the way I am. Today I have come upon a true answer.

Ever since I was in second grade I have been plagued by miragines.  I say plagued because that is what they are.  A plague upon my mind. I suffer week in and week out from intense pain that sometimes has no cure.  I get about 1-3 a week.  Often the cure is worse than the pain.  I restrict my diet to avoide certain chemicals and food products.  At the same time I increase my protein, iron, and water. I avoide strong smells, intense lights, and flashing lights.  I monitor the weather.  Any strange combination can trigger a migraine.  Most times I have no idea how I trigger them.

I can often catch them before they become to serious.  I often get dizzy, light headed, see auras, get tunnel vison, and nauseous.  My sense become so hightened  I can smell even the tiniest sent change in a room,  feel someone walking down a hallway, the smallest amount of light throws me into a nauseous fit, and feel I the smallest temperature change in the room.

As you can imagine they are very terrible.  Yet many times I hate to complain of the pain.  Only one time do I remember using a migraine as an excuse to not do something.  It was to get away from someone I had no care for.  I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than to have spent the day with that particular person. To this day I do not regret my actions.  If I ever complaine of a migraine, rest assured it hurts, a lot.  I pride myself on with standing the pain. 

In the end I would give almost anything to be rid of my migraines.

Death

That enigma of an ending to all living things.  The thing most fear more than anything.  How we all treat death defines or existance.

This morning I was awakened by my step sister's frantic pleas for help.  My step mom's dog was dying and she didn't know what to do.  As a clawed through the blankets to help her.  I promptly fell out of bed.  I went up stairs to find Jocelyn in tears as she sat and watched Baylee struggle to stand.  I went over to assist the poor creature and yelled for Jocelyn to find me a towel as poor Baylee was bleeding out of his mouth.  Jocelyn was to terrified to pick him up.  I went over calmly and picked Baylee up and wiped the blood from his face.  Jocelyn has never been faced with death and didn't know how to react to the situation.  She was terrified of holding him encase he died in her arms.  I sat there holding the dog with my sister in tears until Paige could come home.  They then took him to the vet.  Baylee will be put to sleep rather than suffer in the last minutes of his life. 

I do not have the attachment to Baylee that they do and so I can look on impassively as their best friend dies after a life filled with love.  I fell sympathy that he had to suffer as much as he did.  I also feel empathy for my family as their treasured friend leaves them behind.

Nightmares

So last night early this morning say around 2 am I had a series of nightmares.  I was absolutely terrified when I woke up for the third time around 6:30 am.  I then decided not to sleep for the rest of the night.  And know I am slightly afraid of going to bed.  I really don't want more nightmares.  I was like 12 when I had my last one.  These ones are due in part to a book that I have been reading.  In my dream I was being hunted down by zombies.  I know right, why zombies?  Well they were in the book.  I could even smell them in my dream.  Very disturbing.  I shall be sleeping with the lights on in my room tonight.

Family

I am truly, truly grateful for my family and the amazingly wonderful people that they are.  I have been having the hardest time with my father and him accepting the way I lead my life.  After much stress and nights thinking and days spent in quite contemplation I finally just had to accept what was.  Today I went to visit my grandparents, while I was there my aunt came by as well.  While sometimes we don't always get along it was nice to talk to her and hear from her and my grandparents the acceptance I had been waiting for.  They knew the insanity that leads my father and helped me to see past the bad in my father and to tell me that I am doing a good job and to not worry so over my life.  They helped me talk through and decide upon some of the actions that I will be having to make.  It was nice to hear from them some of the same things I had been thinking about in my own life.  It is also good to know they have my back against a slightly stressful father.  In general it was nice to talk to some one who know and is not directly involved with my life.  Someone to list and to not judge, who loves me, and yet understands and be objective in talking to me.  Not directly invested in my life course.  Thanks to all my crazy wonderful family members that make up my crazy beautiful wonderful life.

No Good Very Bad Long Day

It all started when I woke up this morning around 6 am with a terrible migraine.  I then drove down to Layton to donate plasma.  Upon arriving I find out that I was low on some sort of protein and it was unsafe for me to donate and I had to go all the way back home.  Total waste of gas.  I try to go back to bed but can't sleep because my headache hadn't gone away.  There's nothing to eat in the house except for ramen and bread and I didn't really want either, so I don't eat anything.  Which doesn't help the headache.  So I then proceed to waste the rest of the day by watching endless episodes of Bleach.  Around 3 I finally decided I should do something, so I vacuum the house before I leave for work.  While heading to work I hit every red light, everyone either wants to cut me off, or drive me off the road.  Meanwhile the headache still hasn't gone away.  By the time I get to work I'm so ticked off want to tear somebody's head off.  I end up snapping at several of my co-workers who decide it was funny to tease an angry woman.  Then I feel bad because I yelled at some one.  The rest of the night was one crazy spinning blur of pizza, people, and pain.  My headache doesn't leave until about 7:30 after the onslaught of customers.

I was supposed to be off around 8 so that I could then go to my friend's that night.  Come to find out she's sick so I didn't go.  Then one of my co-workers isn't feeling well so I told him I'd cover for him for the rest of the night.  I get off around 10:30 and look outside and it's snowing, again.  I decide to take the long way home and avoid the freeway, because they won't plow it till tomorrow.  I then proceed at 25 mph all the way home.  When I'm most of the way home something happens to top off the whole day.  As you come along 1900 W the road eventually turns into just a two lane road.  Some idiot wasn't paying attention and was headed right for me and I mean right for me.  So I swerve to avoid him and I hit somebody's trash can.  I am not joking.  I hit that sucker and, POOF, the thing goes flying into the air.  Luckily the thing was empty.  Can you imagine if the thing had been full?  I didn't even bother to stop.  I just kept going.  Now my front passenger light is out and the mirror popped out of the mirror casing. Yay, for a fantastically awful day.  Now I shall watch some more Bleach and the sleep.

I've decided to make a list, a list of all the fictional characters that I have had a crush on since before I could remember to now.  I try to put a reference with the character.

Here is my list (not in any particular order):

• Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice
• Edward Elrich from Full Metal Alchemist
• Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables
• Batman/Bruce Wayne
• The Beast from Beauty and the Beast
• A. William Wagner from Avalon High
• Bardon from the Dragon Keeper Chronicles
• Goku from Dragon Ball
• Kyo Sohma from Fruits Basket
• Rei Kashino from Mars
• Howl from Howl's Moving Castle
• Prince Derek from The Swan Princess
• Izumi Sano from Hana Kimi
• Izark from From Far Away
• Kail Mursili from Red River
• Syaoran Li from Cardcaptor Sakura and Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
• Yami Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh
• Cloud from Final Fantasy VII
• Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy VII
• InuYasha
• Ageha Yoshina from Psyren
• Drizzt Do'Urden from R A Salvatore's books
• Takumi Ichinose from Nana
• Domyoji Tsukasa from Hana Yori Dango
• Hanazawa Rui from Hana Yori Dango
• Hercules
• Gui from 1/2 Prince
• Briareos from AppleSeed and AppleSeed Ex Machina
• J. Max from 100% Perfect Girl
• Gaon Gil from Can't Lose You
• Westley from The Princess Bride
• Nawat from The Trickster's Choice and The Trickster's Queen
• Princes Caspian from The Chronicles of Narnia
• Choi Taek Gang from H2O
• Leon Rosas from First Girl
• Neo from The Matrix
• Will from Firelight
• Arlen from The Painted Man
• Rand from The Wheel of Time series
• Henry from Austenland 

That's all I can think of for now.  I'm sure there are more.

Male Friends

So this is probably a really bad trait of mine.  But I really like being around guys.  Like at work and school and 90% of my friends are male.  Like the other day at work when these guys came to set up our new security system, I had a ton of fun talking to one of the techs.  And  I'd rather be talking to my guy friends than my girl friends.  Is that weird?  I don't know. Maybe it is just my personality, because my sisters are not that way and my girl friends too.  I seem to thrive in the presence of men.  It is very strange.  My conversations with them seem to be more complex and interesting than the frivolous conversations of girls.  Don't get me wrong sometimes I like talking to my girl friends but most of the time I'd rather be with my guy friends.

GGGRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Sometimes I feel so lost and overwhelmed with life.  I hate feeling so useless.  I just want people to leave me alone.  GGGRRRRRRR!!!!!  I just want to scream!  When my dad talks to me I feel like I've been weighed and found wanting.  I just want to cry and scream and bury myself under a rock.  Or maybe under the world.

BlackVeil

So there's this totally amazing book called Blackveil by Kristen Britain and I want it.  It came out today.  Sad thing is that the library wont get it for awhile and I don't want to buy the hard bound because I own the other three in paper back and I really don't know if I can wait for it.  I've already waited 4 years for it to come out.  So I went to Hastings today to look at it.  Sigh, I really want it!  I may end up going to Hastings and spend an hour in a corner just reading the book.  Is that wrong?  I don't think so.

Friends

Friends are the greatest thing in the whole wide world.  They make my day brighter.  I thank God every day for Jessie and Londi.  Without them my life would end very sadly.  Thank you to all the people in my life that have affected me for the better.

I Wish

I was thinking that, in living life we come upon people of all walks.  Some we like, some we don't, some to avoid, and others we can't live with out.  In my life I wish to forever impact others in a positive way.  To never judge to harshly, blame to quickly, hate to easily, and love unconditionally. I wish for others to see me and to know that I will be their friend for as long as time. I wish to never regret any action I have made.  For they make me who I am and they have helped me become a much better person.

The First

This is my first time blogging.  It will be some what sporadic and strange.  It will be kind of a journal and a way for me to vent