I have been home now for almost four weeks. I still find life strange. The freedom of a day, to sleep in, stay up late, read what I want, go where I want, stare at nothing for as long as I would like, and yet, the days pass and I still don't know what to do.
How do you begin from nothing? The world around had changed moved on while you have surfaced from a dream. A dream you can't seem to shake. A dream so powerful you want to go back, to never wake up. A strange emptiness fills the days. What have I done that has effected the world? My world? What is there to direct the keel-less boat of existence?
Who is there to aid in the aimless wanderings of a soul?
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Monday, July 18, 2011
Death Part 2
This has been a rough year for deaths. First with Baylee my step-mom's dog, then last week our dog Calie, and lastly with my grandfather.
Our dog Calie was hit by a car. She had several broken bones and would not survive in her condition. So we had her put down. I am glad I was not there to be apart of that. I loved Calie a lot and it would have been hard seeing her in that condition. I feel bad for my little sister being there. Calie was a member of our family and she will be dearly missed.
I learned last Saturday that my grandfather had been taken to the hospital. He had shot himself. Not the best way to go out. He used a .22 and it not being very powerful, left a mess. The neighbor found him and called the family and 911. Not the best way to go, but so him. He has always been a little insane. I don't feel bad for him going the way he did. It was probably harder living on each day. At 91 with his wife gone it is a hard life.
Our dog Calie was hit by a car. She had several broken bones and would not survive in her condition. So we had her put down. I am glad I was not there to be apart of that. I loved Calie a lot and it would have been hard seeing her in that condition. I feel bad for my little sister being there. Calie was a member of our family and she will be dearly missed.
I learned last Saturday that my grandfather had been taken to the hospital. He had shot himself. Not the best way to go out. He used a .22 and it not being very powerful, left a mess. The neighbor found him and called the family and 911. Not the best way to go, but so him. He has always been a little insane. I don't feel bad for him going the way he did. It was probably harder living on each day. At 91 with his wife gone it is a hard life.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
No Good Very Bad Weekend
Ok so awhile ago I had a no good very bad day. Now it's a weekend. It all started on the 11th. I woke up to the sound of water dripping in my room. At first I thought maybe I had tipped over a glass of water in the night. But then I remembered I hadn't brought any water into my room. I turn over finding my pillow wet. Ok now I'm worried. I look out my window and there are several inches of water sitting in my window well! Seeping through the cracks and onto my bed and ground. I yell for my sister to get my dad. I get out of bed to find the ground very wet.
Someone, cough parents cough, had left the garden hose on all night. With the shear amount of water we have received, due to the constant rain, the ground couldn't handle the extra water. So my room got very wet.
We then spent the rest of the day taking everything out of my room, and I do mean everything. It was not a very pleasant day. My closet had to be emptied too. My things were boxed and distributed into three separate rooms. They were not boxed by me which means I had no idea where my things ended up. Luckily very little of my stuff got truly wet. Most of it was in boxes or on book shelves.
My dad then went on a rampage deciding I don't really need all of my things and that I needed to reduce my stuff to about 10 boxes tops. Yeah right like that was going to happen. I have spent the better part of the week sleeping on the couch, going through my stuff, re-boxing most of it and getting rid of a good third of my belongings. I made it to about 15 boxes. Most of that went to my mom's because I feared for it's safety at my dad's place.
Well the Sunday after we emptied my room I got up early and went to mission prep. Take into mind church isn't till 1 pm so I'm not normally up. Mission prep is at 7:30 am. I went had a good time came home. Got back into my pj's and thought about going back to sleep seeing as it was only 9. My dad then comes down telling my that Nik was at the door. Now I'm thinking, what!. Who comes over when they know I'm not normally up for another 3 hours. If he had come later my parents would have been gone and I would be back asleep. But no he showed up with no warning after the worst day ever. I told my dad not to leave me alone. I then talked to him outside. I was kind of angry with him. I know that I didn't end things the way I should have. But I felt it was necessary. I have chose a different path and he is not a part of it.
Well after he left I then had a talk with my dad. In which I proceed to cry for an hour or so. When dad left for church I continued to cry and had a very large bowl of chocolate ice cream. Jocelyn and I decided to not go to church because I really wasn't up to talking to other people without crying. We took a very long drive and for that I am grateful. It really helped. I slept to and that was good. I then went to my aunt's and got another dose of healing from my little cousin who let me hold her and give her hugs. She gave them in return as well.
My brother also called later in the afternoon. He's in Alaska and it helped a lot to talk to him and his wife and to hear about what they have been doing for the last month.
After the very long day Jocelyn and I watched a chick flick and I ate a box of Oreos all on my own.
It has been a very trying week.
Someone, cough parents cough, had left the garden hose on all night. With the shear amount of water we have received, due to the constant rain, the ground couldn't handle the extra water. So my room got very wet.
We then spent the rest of the day taking everything out of my room, and I do mean everything. It was not a very pleasant day. My closet had to be emptied too. My things were boxed and distributed into three separate rooms. They were not boxed by me which means I had no idea where my things ended up. Luckily very little of my stuff got truly wet. Most of it was in boxes or on book shelves.
My dad then went on a rampage deciding I don't really need all of my things and that I needed to reduce my stuff to about 10 boxes tops. Yeah right like that was going to happen. I have spent the better part of the week sleeping on the couch, going through my stuff, re-boxing most of it and getting rid of a good third of my belongings. I made it to about 15 boxes. Most of that went to my mom's because I feared for it's safety at my dad's place.
Well the Sunday after we emptied my room I got up early and went to mission prep. Take into mind church isn't till 1 pm so I'm not normally up. Mission prep is at 7:30 am. I went had a good time came home. Got back into my pj's and thought about going back to sleep seeing as it was only 9. My dad then comes down telling my that Nik was at the door. Now I'm thinking, what!. Who comes over when they know I'm not normally up for another 3 hours. If he had come later my parents would have been gone and I would be back asleep. But no he showed up with no warning after the worst day ever. I told my dad not to leave me alone. I then talked to him outside. I was kind of angry with him. I know that I didn't end things the way I should have. But I felt it was necessary. I have chose a different path and he is not a part of it.
Well after he left I then had a talk with my dad. In which I proceed to cry for an hour or so. When dad left for church I continued to cry and had a very large bowl of chocolate ice cream. Jocelyn and I decided to not go to church because I really wasn't up to talking to other people without crying. We took a very long drive and for that I am grateful. It really helped. I slept to and that was good. I then went to my aunt's and got another dose of healing from my little cousin who let me hold her and give her hugs. She gave them in return as well.
My brother also called later in the afternoon. He's in Alaska and it helped a lot to talk to him and his wife and to hear about what they have been doing for the last month.
After the very long day Jocelyn and I watched a chick flick and I ate a box of Oreos all on my own.
It has been a very trying week.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Manchester
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND!!!! That's where I'm going. I leave Sept 15th direct to the England MTC. I report on the 16th. That means all day on the plane. Sigh, that's a long time. I'm super excited!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Mission, Mission, Mission
I get my call this Wednesday and I am super excited! I can't wait to find out where I am going. I'm sad to leave behind all my friends and family. Excited to learn and to preach of the Lord.
More to come when I actually get my call.
More to come when I actually get my call.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Life As We Know It
The world is full of constant change. Much like the wind. Never in the same place twice, different strengths, different smells, different temperatures. In much the same way our life is never the same. We must grab life by the horns and hold on for all we are worth. It is hard to face life sometimes. Believe me I do know. My life is hard and challenging like no other. I feel at times like an ostrich, with the urge to bury my head in the sand and hide from the world. Other times I feel like yelling in rage at what the world has thrown my way. I wish for an easy life. Even though I will know that wont happen. I still wish for it. I hate it at times, the uncertainty of the future. I was reading in my book and this passage struck me.
"Travel is the great leveler, the great teacher, bitter as medicine, crueler than mirror-glass. A long stretch of road will teach you more about yourself than a hundred years of quite introspection."
I feel like my life experience have greatly effected the person I am today. For all of the trials and hardships in my life I wouldn't give up one of them, because they have made me the person I am today. I regret none of my actions nor my decisions. I stand by who I am and the way I am. I can be stubborn and obstinate, caring, understanding, and cruel. Most of the time I am one emotion, happy.
I have made many changes to my life. Some of them are hard and needed while others will be good for me and provide a valuable learning and growing experience for me. Once again I do not regret what I have done. I only wish to look forward at the future that is awaiting me.
"Travel is the great leveler, the great teacher, bitter as medicine, crueler than mirror-glass. A long stretch of road will teach you more about yourself than a hundred years of quite introspection."
I feel like my life experience have greatly effected the person I am today. For all of the trials and hardships in my life I wouldn't give up one of them, because they have made me the person I am today. I regret none of my actions nor my decisions. I stand by who I am and the way I am. I can be stubborn and obstinate, caring, understanding, and cruel. Most of the time I am one emotion, happy.
I have made many changes to my life. Some of them are hard and needed while others will be good for me and provide a valuable learning and growing experience for me. Once again I do not regret what I have done. I only wish to look forward at the future that is awaiting me.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Migraines
I question at times, the inperfections of the human body. Often people ask me if I could change one thing about me what would it be? My usual response is that I like the way I am. Today I have come upon a true answer.
Ever since I was in second grade I have been plagued by miragines. I say plagued because that is what they are. A plague upon my mind. I suffer week in and week out from intense pain that sometimes has no cure. I get about 1-3 a week. Often the cure is worse than the pain. I restrict my diet to avoide certain chemicals and food products. At the same time I increase my protein, iron, and water. I avoide strong smells, intense lights, and flashing lights. I monitor the weather. Any strange combination can trigger a migraine. Most times I have no idea how I trigger them.
I can often catch them before they become to serious. I often get dizzy, light headed, see auras, get tunnel vison, and nauseous. My sense become so hightened I can smell even the tiniest sent change in a room, feel someone walking down a hallway, the smallest amount of light throws me into a nauseous fit, and feel I the smallest temperature change in the room.
As you can imagine they are very terrible. Yet many times I hate to complain of the pain. Only one time do I remember using a migraine as an excuse to not do something. It was to get away from someone I had no care for. I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than to have spent the day with that particular person. To this day I do not regret my actions. If I ever complaine of a migraine, rest assured it hurts, a lot. I pride myself on with standing the pain.
In the end I would give almost anything to be rid of my migraines.
Ever since I was in second grade I have been plagued by miragines. I say plagued because that is what they are. A plague upon my mind. I suffer week in and week out from intense pain that sometimes has no cure. I get about 1-3 a week. Often the cure is worse than the pain. I restrict my diet to avoide certain chemicals and food products. At the same time I increase my protein, iron, and water. I avoide strong smells, intense lights, and flashing lights. I monitor the weather. Any strange combination can trigger a migraine. Most times I have no idea how I trigger them.
I can often catch them before they become to serious. I often get dizzy, light headed, see auras, get tunnel vison, and nauseous. My sense become so hightened I can smell even the tiniest sent change in a room, feel someone walking down a hallway, the smallest amount of light throws me into a nauseous fit, and feel I the smallest temperature change in the room.
As you can imagine they are very terrible. Yet many times I hate to complain of the pain. Only one time do I remember using a migraine as an excuse to not do something. It was to get away from someone I had no care for. I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than to have spent the day with that particular person. To this day I do not regret my actions. If I ever complaine of a migraine, rest assured it hurts, a lot. I pride myself on with standing the pain.
In the end I would give almost anything to be rid of my migraines.
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